A friend once described asking for help as intimate.

That word stuck with me… because intimate?
That feels aggressive for a Slack message that just says, “Hey, quick question.”

But the more I sat with it, the more it made sense.

Asking for help requires a few uncomfortable things all at once:
You have to admit uncertainty or that you don’t have the capacity.
Then, on top of that, you have to trust someone else with it.
And THEN you have to pause the act of having it all together.

Which, frankly, is a lot to ask of someone before 10 a.m.

What’s wild is that most of the time, the actual request is small. If I had to guess, it’s usually one of three things when it comes to work: clarification, confirmation, or a second set of eyes.

What makes it feel heavy is the meaning our brain assigns to it. Suddenly the ask feels like it could call into question our competence, our value, or even our place in the room.

So… can you really blame someone for thinking pushing through is safer?

We tell ourselves we’ll figure it out alone.
Sometimes we do.
Sometimes we absolutely do not.

Doing everything yourself might look fine on the outside. It just gets expensive on the inside.

So let’s talk about how to ask for help at work without calling your strength or competence into question.

That’s what today’s Tool Box is here for. 🧰

Step 1: Calm your nervous system down and remember you’re not about to request a kidney.

Step 2: Say the thing. “Hey, can I get your eyes on this?” Boom. Done. No overthinking.

Step 3: Don’t apologize for existing. You’re not “being a bother.” That’s it. End of story.

Step 4: Accept help like a normal person. No “omg I owe you my life.” Just a solid “Thanks, really appreciate it.”

Step 5: Move on. You asked for help and didn’t die.

"Said ‘I’ve got it’ in back-to-back meetings…then spent the afternoon googling terms I didn’t actually know."

Keeping your need for help hidden just doubles your workload.

But hey…word on the street is you will be labeled the “strong one” at least.

When your default is “I’ve got it,” even small asks can feel like failures.

What would it take to believe that asking adds to your strength (instead of subtracting from it) ?

Ask yourself: What would it feel like to let someone support you (just once) without apologizing for it?

Say one kind thing to yourself that leans into that possibility:

You don’t have to act yet. Just notice the truth of it.

And for my skeptics… repeat that sh*t until you actually believe one of them. K. Thanks.

This will always be a space to share stories, rants, and reflections.

What’s something you almost asked for but didn’t? Why didn’t you—and what happened instead? Hit reply — We may share your story (anonymously) so others know they are not alone.

Have an “Unstainable Behavior of the Week” ? Let us know.

May your next “quick question” not unravel your entire sense of self.

P.S.

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